Swede dreams are made of this – but no meatballs, thanks

Reuters/Jumana El Heloueh

Let me be crystal clear from the very beginning: in a professional and business capacity, I have absolutely nothing against Ikea.

The world’s biggest furniture retailer, founded in Sweden, has given millions of people decent and functional design at affordable prices, and in the process made billions of euros in profits for the tax-efficient Dutch and Liechtenstein foundations that own it.

Ikea was the creation of Ingvar Kamprad, who died a multi-billionaire a few years back, having distilled the Swedish approach to interior design – minimalist functionalism – and sold it to the world in flatpacks.

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It is perhaps the perfect product for a place like Dubai, where a comparatively large transient population means a high churn of apartments and regular furniture renewal.

I would make a guess that the vast majority of residences in the emirate have at least one item from Ikea, and many are entirely kitted out from the store.

In partnership with the venerable Al Futtaim group, it has expanded rapidly in the UAE from its flagship store in Dubai Festival City and is currently launching small-format stores right across the UAE. A great commercial success story all round.

But … I will never darken the doorstep of an Ikea store ever again.

This is in fulfilment of a pledge I made sometime in the 1990s, when I was a new father and was into my home-building phase – “The Ikea Years”, as I plan to entitle them in a volume of my forthcoming autobiography (work in progress).

I don’t think there was a single occasion that made me take that vow, just an accumulation of hours spent in the huge store in Brent Cross, north London.

The mind-numbing displays of furniture all with unpronounceable Swedish names full of dots and slashes; the hernia-inducing process of loading those “convenient” flat-packs into the back of a family car; the sheer torture of assembling the kits back home from instructions that (for me) were the equivalent of the blueprint for the International Space Station.

It would have been any one of those things, or maybe just the lingering taste of Swedish meatballs and pasta, that has made me keep that pledge for nearly three decades.

All this came flooding back when I read a press release this week on behalf of Al Futtaim-Ikea that “highlights the connection between home environment and sleep.”

As a chronically bad sleeper, I read on to find that a “recent study” had revealed a shift in emphasis away from “multifunctionality” (I guess a shorthand for Covid-era “working from home”) towards “the need for a home environment that supports restful and restorative sleep.”

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“As homes continue to serve multifunctional roles, their design increasingly needs to prioritise elements that support quality sleep to enhance overall health and daily performance,” the study concluded.

Comfort and air quality are the two essential ingredients of a good night’s sleep, it said.

Fortunately, solutions are at hand from … you guessed it … Ikea.

If air quality keeps you awake into the early hours, the Förnuftig air purifier (AED98) is the answer.

To ensure a comfortable night, the Valevåg mattress (AED1,500) was made for you – available in two firmness levels.

The Vappeby speaker lamp (AED279 with built-in Spotify) will set you to rest with some relaxing lullabies.

Nothing keeps me awake so much as clutter and junk in my bedroom, so the Pax wardrobe system sounds ideal

For the little ones, the Töväder night light (imagine a Hello Kitty doll with a bulb inside – a steal at AED69 ) “provides a soothing glow in five different colours.”

Nothing keeps me awake so much as clutter and junk in my bedroom, so the Pax wardrobe system (up to AED3,630) sounds ideal.

And to top it all off, the Nattjasmin duvet cover set (AED249 including two pillowcases) “helps regulate temperature for a comfortable night’s rest.” Indispensable.

“Together, these solutions demonstrate Al-Futtaim-Ikea’s commitment to improving sleep quality across the region,” the PR gushes.

This “commitment” perhaps stems from the maxim of Ikea founder Kamprad that “only while sleeping one makes no mistakes.”

So, for less than a total of AED6,000 (much less if I skip the Pax wardrobe “system” and put up with some clutter) I’m more or less guaranteed a good night’s sleep?

That sounds almost good enough to tempt me back into an Ikea store – as long as they’ve got rid of the meatballs.

Frank Kane is Editor-at-Large of AGBI and an award-winning business journalist. He acts as a consultant to the Ministry of Energy of Saudi Arabia and is a media adviser to First Abu Dhabi Bank of the UAE